YOU ARE NOT YOUR OWN

I'm going to switch modes a bit here. Normally I keep my blog posts very superficial and humorous. I think that is why I get little traffic and feedback (except on this lovely post).

Anyway, here is an honest and accurate portrayal of my life this week. I'm stressed, I'm worried, I'm tired, and I'm mad.

Stressed - I'm stressed because I have a huge paper I'm writing for my Hebrew class. I hate huge papers. They consume me. Really! I can't write a little bit and then step away and then come back later. I lose my train of thought and attention (note to self: Never write a book). I have to dive in them and shut the world out while my mind becomes “one with the paper.” Man you should have seen me when I wrote on Mormonism… I was screwed up for a month! Anyway. I'm slowly chipping away at the mound of chaos known as the Fall of 2008. With 12 hours of seminary my workload is crazy. Add a full-time ministry and a family on top of that and you can understand why my eye won't quit twitching, my shoulders feel like balls of fire, and I can feel my heart beating in my ears. I know I'm not the first guy in history to go to school but hey... I'm me. I know when I'm not acting like me, and lately, I haven't been acting like ME. Once I get my paper done I have Hebrew vocabulary test (over 500 Hebrew words) I have to study for. Then its three finals on the 8th and maybe a small break cause come January it all starts over again (5 hours in January I-Term and 13 hours in the Spring). However, Lord willing it will be for the last time! Graduation in May! Thank you Jesus!

Worried - I'm worried about my mom. Like really worried. Like “I know what the Bible says about worrying but it doesn’t help” king of worrying. She's been very sick lately and she found out what her problems were caused from. I can't even pronounce it but its one of those random disorders that is serious and seems to lead to worse and more problems later on. Sure I’m hopeful and praying like no other but still. Just because I know God can heal her doesn’t mean He will heal her the way I want Him to and that makes me scared you know? I love my mom. Need I say more?

Tired – My days used to have rhyme and reason. Now I wouldn’t recognize a schedule if it hit me in the face. I’m usually in the office busying myself with ministry stuff. After too short of a lunch I continue. Then its home by 4 to play with kids, talk with Shelly and somehow sit down. When you have 4 munchkins jumping on you, resting peacefully is NEVER an option. Once I walk in that door I had better be ready for Wrestle Mania 27. And truthfully that tries my patience cause the flesh side of me just wants to sit in a quite house, in a comfy chair, with instrumental music and the smell of coffee. I’ve realized that I can fly off the handle ever-so-suddenly these days. My nerves are shot. It doesn’t even matter who it is either (the kids, Shelly, the rude insurance collection agency lady on the phone that I wish I could pull through the phone line and strangle her sarcastic little voice (I digress). All that to say I usually don’t even get started on schoolwork until around 9pm. You know the time I should be leading, loving, romancing, and caring for my wife. Then it’s usually 1am or so before I get in bed (often later). I must be honest, I’m relishing the thought of graduating with the passion of a thousand suns. My dream is to after I graduate to find the VERY spot they film those Corona commercials (you know the sandy beach) and just relax with a few of those longnecks… (to make the fog horn sound). What did you think I meant?

Mad – I’m mad at myself. I’m letting my frustrations affect the kids and Shelly in a way that never should. I’m frustrated so I take it out on them. Then I get mad cause I took it out on them. Then I get mad at everything else because I blame it for making me get mad in the first place. I’m not being the husband and father they need me to be. Frankly, it’s not because I don’t want to but because I’m just spent. Sometimes it’s just a lot easier to get mad and send the crying kid to their room instead of investing into them and seeking out a solution. I’m ready to devote as much time and energy into them as I’m doing now with school. They deserve it and it’s my responsibility as husband and father.


So all this to say please try to understand me. Pray for me yes, but if that is all I needed I would have simply posted that. What I want from each an every one of you is understanding if possible. If I act like I’m not interested in you… I am truly sorry. If I pinch your head off because of some comment or statement, then you know where the anxiety stems from. If I don't return your emails or comment on your blog post right away you know why. If I only post you tube videos on here cause I can’t come up with anything of real value to share… then please have mercy.